Nineteen years tonight.

At around 8pm February 15th 1991, I became a resident of Oregon.

The first year was the hardest on a practical level, but the subsequent years were hardest emotionally. I did not want to be here. I wanted to go home, and be at home, or at least HAVE a fucking home. I kept saying I'd go back when I was 16. As soon as I could drive a car, as soon as I was 16, I would drive back.

Unfortunately, by that point, I'd realized me driving or even having money at all was unrealistic. I had to find another way.

After a series of shitty years when I was a teenager, I finally found a way back when I was 19. It turned out to be a bad decision. There were things I didn't realize were going to happen if I tried to escape the beast. So I had to come back...

At 20 I finally found a fucking for-real job, and soon discovered that just because you have a proper job and work all of the fucking time doesn't mean you actually have, yourself, any money. I couldn't even live on my own terms, nevermind go anywhere. Then again, at least, now, I was eating.

I remember the slow entry into not caring anymore where I was. I remember one day driving with my mom across town when I was an older teenager when I thought Oregon was "okay", something that hadn't exactly happened before. It's always looked like a shithole. I saw hatred. I dreamed about running through the forest south and haunted houses. It's never been okay, until suddenly it was.

I remember when my cat died, how I felt like I lost my only friend. We were always going to move out and it'd just be me and her, and we never got that far. I don't feel that way about the other one.

I remember feeling sick about being planted in one spot when registering for college. Three more years of the beast.

I remember when I started to get interested in local music, and wondering how I'd feel if I had to give that up in a move. And then wondering, where did we go wrong? Is it really music that's going to plant me? I can't possibly care that much...

And now I'm wondering how 19 years have gone by. Over two thirds of my life. I've been here longer than any place. Technically, I'm an "Oregonian". Technically, this is my home even though it still doesn't feel authentic and I long lost my "home" connection to where I was born. Next year, I'll have been here 70% of my life.

I wonder if that's just what I have to deal with, or I'm still in for getting the fuck out. What would 1% be like, elsewhere? Will I ever travel? Will I ever have a job that affords me the time, space, and financial breathing room to do so? Everything, now, is indefinable.

In the meantime, I'm stuck here for another year.

~

Pluto's exact conjunct my 4th house cusp/IC 2am February 17th. It's the first hit in my life, and not the last as to be expected with any Pluto transit.

Pluto conjunction IC

On a less profound level, this influence can signify that your personal life will go through great changes as certain things pass away and new things come into existence. Obviously this happens all the time, but the changes are much more dramatic now. There may be great changes within your family, such as divorce, a major change of residence or the need for major repairs on a building, to name a few of the changes signified by this influence. The main point is that at some level your personal and domestic life needs to be overhauled so that it can be reconstructed along new lines. Often you need to be liberated from the past, not only at the psychological level but in your everyday practical life as well. This is the time to build a new order in your personal life. However, people often attempt to resist such change, with unpleasant results. The energies merely build up to such a point that they are released through a dramatic or unfortunate incident, such as the breakup of a marriage, sudden damage to property or the like. And resisting the energies of change is a waste of an opportunity to totally regenerate your life from its very roots.