Quoting a previous piece of crappy writing:

i was sitting on my bed-couch a little while ago reading my oldest journals. i looked up and jack was sitting facing me halfway across the room, staring at me. i pointed and said in all seriousness “hey, i’m not your fucking entertainment!”

jack is great.

Ways Jack could be better than "great":

- if he had a job
- if he didn't rape inanimate objects in the hallway
- if he drove me to/from shows
- if he didn't eat on the floor, but in the fucking BOWL, YOU FUCKING MORON FUCK
- if he was more hygienic
- if he didn't shed
- if, by association with him, i met people of worth
- if he did my laundry
- if he shut doors after entering/leaving rooms
- if he didn't cause fights with other animals
- if he was my personal chef and did all of the grocery shopping
- if he used dandruff shampoo
- if he fixed the keyboard on my other computer
- if he, without fail, didn't step on sensitive areas
- if he actually understood and accurately responded to "sit the fuck down"
- if he brushed his teeth... fucking hell
- if he took out the trash
- if he cut/dyed my hair for me
- if he had good credit
- if he pet sweetie for me
- if he killed spiders on command
- if he helped bobo find his true fairy homogobobo love
- if he properly educated me on music
- if he did the dishes
- if when i say i might fade like a sigh if i stay
- if he was currently walking down the hallway with a slice of pizza just for me
- if he helped me find the cable to my tv to the nintendo or bought me a new one
- if he did my assignments in school for me
- if he made breakfast and it was always ready for me the minute i woke up
- if he punched anyone in the face/balls if they got out of line according to my picture of what's decent behavior
- if he won a multi-million dollar lottery and gave me 99% of it

I suppose the endless biting and the warmonging will do, but yeah. Is there a version 2.0? I want the maid upgrade.

i wonder if my neighbors enjoy my songs about beauty, love, and animal-inanimate object rape.

in any case, i must keep on eye out. my linens are in danger of “sexual interference”, and i must stand up for their rights as citizens of this household.

These days he rapes a stuffed animal or two. The other day I found a shower cap and put it completely over the stuffed dog and left it out. Yesterday I found the stuffed dog in the hallway... No shower cap to be found.

Apparently someone didn't think that was funny. Safe inanimate object sex.

All the same.

MINE. SON OF A BITCH YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ITS MINE MINE MINE FUCK YOU AGGGHH.

Mouth open as always.