Oh, Bobo.

I had just turned 16 when I discovered a new cat in the house. I grew up with a dog(s) and did not "get" cats. I didn't really even like cats. Yet, we had four (not including strays). Now it was five. Why is there a fifth cat in the fucking house. My mom said she was just "watching" him because a relative was going on vacation. Whatever. Lies. Still, I assumed Bobo was going back to wherever he came from... and he did not.

At first I didn't like Bobo even though he was well-received by the two social cats we had and didn't get in the way. Then he began to give me reason to not like him by picking on my cat. If my cat walked in the room he was in, he'd usually try to chase her down. She'd flip out, make tons of noise, and act like a bitch and generally prove the idea that I should probably go with dogs for pets in the future. Not much seemed to work to keep him from picking at her.

I came to the conclusion that she had somehow made a social position of #1 of the lot (likely because she was absolutely "mine", and they rest of the cats just "were"), and he was jealous or wanted to be the number one cat. However, if I paid him any attention he didn't like it... so... what the fuck.

Years and years go by, we move, I move and move again, dynamics change, I slowly feel more "welcoming" of the little hairy jerks, and yet the same shit... Bobo still picking on my cat. Asshole. Seriously? Fuck cats.

Meanwhile, I learned that Bobo is afraid of various things. Thunderstorms and fireworks top the list. On the 4th of July or New Years Eve one year I noticed him freaking out. Poor guy, he's got enough bullshit to deal with, what with me calling him HomoGaygay and threatening to kill him every day. What a sad life that's got to be without another thing on the pile. I tell him, it's okay Bobo, I'll protect you. As long as you're nearby nobody's gonna get you. I'll fucking kill 'em. I have no problem with violence, Bobo, as you've heard most of your life. So just stick nearby and you'll be fine.

This happens every time there's a holiday or storm. Bobo freaks out and I tell him I'll kill the bastards, and he sits near me until false danger has lifted.

One day my family had people over. I liked the people okay, especially one of the guys who was both hot and crazy which is too much. I was pretty sure that if I got an opportunity I was going to take it even though it sounded like the dumbest idea in the world on paper.

And then I saw the guy interacting with Bobo. Bobo doesn't like men very much and gets nervous and uptight about stupid shit anyway, so he was growling and circling around like he was unsure what to do about these people. The guy decided to test Bobo's limits by picking on him... I was letting this slide. Bobo has years of picking on my cat built up and deserves what he gets. However, Bobo was getting really pissed off with this guy and WASN'T DOING ANYTHING. CAT: CLAWS. TEETH. Bobo's a big cat and I know he's strong so he could have fucked this guy up... but no, just growling that was only getting louder and shrill and more obnoxious. And the guy was laughing, it was hilarious to him. No.

I felt shitty for Bobo after that. I mean, I was there and said I'd protect him. I should have punched that guy in the face. Fuck. Fucking asshole.

People are also in the habit of calling Bobo fat, especially in recent years... which is simply ridiculous. He's not fat. He's just a huge cat, like a dog. As often as I catch it, I throw it back. This results in people saying that he's ugly or weird looking instead. He has a spot on his face that people comment on a lot. It pisses me off. What the fucking fuck does it matter what he looks like? He's a fucking cat. I'm pretty sure he wasn't aware he was in a fucking fashion show all of a sudden to please some asshole insecure human being who is, actually, the "fat" and fucking ugly one here. ERGH. QUIT LOOKING AT MY FUCKING CAT IF YOU DON'T FUCKING LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS.

I'm not exactly sure why I've turned in favor of Bobo. I didn't like him for so long... and now I feel protective over the guy. The hell?

In any case, he's my little bitch cat now, and there's no escaping... my love... because, BoBoGoFoNoLoDoe Ho Ho Merry Christmas Fi Dolla Sucky Sucky, my love, it's everywhere... And I'll fuckin' kill 'em.

Oh, and BTW, you're still not number one. IT'S ME, BITCH.

Bobo's song:

Black Cobra - "Thrown From Great Heights".

A) because of the title of the song.
B) because the lyrics sound like "Bobo"/"petting my Bobo".
C) because Bobo's alternately slow and crazy like the song.
D) because Bobo's cute and fuck you what you fucking think you fuck.

9:30 - 11:55 of the video below is "Thrown From Great Heights", and the "petting my Bobo" misheard lyric is at 10:38, "bo bo" at 11:32.

Oh, and just for the record... this video is AMAZING. LOVE.